Have a list about how you should be?

Can you think of a time when somebody didn’t do what you thought they should do? You know, they did something that pissed you off.

My guess is you said “yes,” or “every day of my life.” 

If that’s what you said, stick with me, because we’re gonna talk about two things. 1) What other people should do and why we’re unhappy when they don’t. And 2) What you should do and why you’re unhappy when you don’t do it. 

Let’s start with what you think somebody else should do – your expectations. Imagine these expectations are a manual. Like a big, paper manual. An instruction guide. If people go along with your manual and do what you think they should do, you’re happy.

The best manual ever: The Stepford Wives! In this movie, men actually created a manual for the perfect wife. The wives were only concerned with cooking, cleaning, looking beautiful, and being the perfect mother. These wives had perfect perky boobs and wanted to have sex all the time because they just couldn’t get enough of “the king of the bedroom.” (I love the 1975 version of the movie.)

Ok, so maybe you haven’t created a Stepford Wife, but here’s some expectations you might have in your manual for other people:

People should be kind.

People should wear masks.

People should not wear masks.

People should not drive too fast.

People should not drive too slow.

You get the idea. All-day long our brain churns out lots of judgments and opinions about how others should behave. And what they all have in common is that they’re thoughts. We often think they’re facts, but “People should not drive like idiots” is a thought. 

So, the set of expectations you have for other drivers, for example, is your manual called “How people should drive.” If people drive like you think they should, all is good. But, when they don’t, you’re unhappy. You may even flip them the bird.

But, here’s the thing, this manual you have called “How people should drive” was created in your mind. And, most of the time you don’t consciously realize you have manuals for other people. You think you’re being “reasonable.” Have you ever said “Well, that’s just common sense?” 

Of course you have. We all have.

So why is any of this important? 

Because we go through life assuming other people’s actions cause our feelings. We live our lives at the effect of others. 

But here’s the thing. Somebody driving too fast or too slow, does not piss you off.

Your thoughts about their driving causes your pissed-ness.

Here’s how we know. If you thought “She’s driving so fast she’s endangering my life” you might feel angry. But, another person in your car who witnessed the same thing might think “Oh dang, if I had that car I’d drive faster” and feel admiration.

Your thoughts lead to your feelings.

So, if that’s true, how does this relate to you and what you think about yourself?

It’s everything. What you think about yourself determines how you feel about yourself. 

So here’s a bunch of thoughts I’ve gotten from clients. See if you’ve had similar thoughts about yourself:

I should communicate better with my partner.

I should not yell at my kids.

I should be able to trust people.

I should make more money.

I should not screw up another relationship.

I should look much better than I do.

I should be able to control myself and not shop online so much.

I should like sex more.

I should send my mother-in-law flowers for her birthday.

And the list of things we think we should do goes on forever. We could fill up a binder with all the ideas we have about how we should be.

So, let’s use one example:

1. You have a very complex manual about how you should be.
2. Let’s say “I should communicate better with my partner” is one of your thoughts.
3. Let’s also say that tonight, you didn’t communicate better with your partner.
4. What that means is that you didn’t follow your own manual. You had an idea of how you should be communicating, but you didn’t do it.
5. You had an expectation for yourself and you didn’t meet it. You didn’t follow the manual you wrote for yourself.

Okay, so now what? 

1. You’re not happy.

So let’s look at that again. You have a manual for yourself. But everything in the manual is just thoughts about yourself. And the only reason you are happy or unhappy with yourself is because of what you think.

So, in the beginning, we talked about how we always think it’s the actions of others that cause our feelings.  It’s not. It’s our thoughts about their actions.

So then, the same is true for ourselves. We think our actions make us happy or unhappy. But that’s not true. It’s our thoughts about our actions that cause our feelings.

Scenario:  

What happened: Woman gives partner the silent treatment cause partner got home an hour late and didn’t text. 

Thought of woman: “I’m a horrible partner for acting like a child.”

Feeling: shame

Same scenario:

What happened: Woman gives partner the silent treatment cause partner got home an hour late and didn’t text. 

Thought: “I’ll go chat so I can apologize for the way I acted and see what happened in the first place.”

Feeling: productive

Same woman. Same thing happened. But in the first example, she felt shame. In the second example, she felt productive. All because of what she was thinking. And that’s how it is with us and the manuals we have for ourselves. 

So today we learned about our expectations of others and why we feel negative and we talked about the manual we have for ourselves. 

If this idea intrigues you, do this:

1. Get a pen and paper and write out some of the manual you have for yourself. 
2. Take one thing and write about your actions with this expectation.
3. Ask yourself what you thought about how you acted. 
4. Then, ask yourself what you feel when you think it.

You’ll see that you’re creating lots of thoughts about yourself that may not lead anywhere pretty. But it’s okay. I just wanted you to see how you are the one who created your manual in the first place – you control what’s in it. And now you can start to see the effects of this manual you have for yourself. 

I’m Dawn Ziegerer, a certified life coach, and if you’re a woman who thinks emotional baggage is hurting your romantic relationship, I’d love to help. You can book a free mini-session at TheRebuildingCoach.com.