I have racist thoughts.

When I first heard a life coach named Kara Lowentheil say something like“if you were raised in American society, you’re racist,” I thought “What? That’s crazy.” And then, my brain came up with all the ways she was wrong. My brain found all kinds of evidence to prove I wasn’t. My brain said things like “Wait, my daughter dated a black man and I was totally great with that,” “I went to elementary school with lots of black kids and never thought anything of it,” and “But, I really love watching movies about black people, like Hidden Figures!”

But here’s the thing. My defensive brain didn’t help me understand what she was saying. She was simply saying we live in a society full of messages about things like gender, weight, age, sexual orientation, and race.

So first, let’s define racism as “a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities” and these “racial differences produce a superiority of one race over another.” Many would also say “systematic oppression” is an important part of the definition.

But before we talk more about racism, let’s talk quickly about our brains. Our brains learn. They absorb messages from family members, teachers, peers, society in general, and the media. These messages are often received unconsciously. 

Before I talk about media messages about race, let’s talk about media messages regarding beauty and our bodies.

• “Thin is In.” 
• You need a juicy butt, big boobs, and sumptuous lips. 
• Plastic surgery can take care of everything!
• Wrinkles need to be fixed.
• A million diets exist, so you should be on one cause your body is probably too big.
• Cellulite is just wrong. 
• Barbie dolls.
• Here’s the list of the “most beautiful women in the world.” 
• Grey hair needs to be colored.
• Younger is better. 
• Before putting on a bathing suit, make sure you’ve got a “beach body.” 
• You better be sexy! If you’re a superhero or whatever, you better be sexy!

Your list may include some of the stuff I said, or other stuff, depending on your age and the media you’ve been exposed to. Maybe you scroll Insta a lot and are convinced you don’t look like you should. 

So, let’s say I saw a woman in a bikini and thought “Gee, she really needs to work-out or cover up,” I would agree that it’s a sexist thought. I’m sure I have many sexist thoughts simply because I was raised the the USA. I’m sure I have many ideas about how women should look, how they should act, etc. 

The point is, many messages have been received, and your brain comes up with its own thoughts about women and your body. Often, you’re not even aware of the thoughts. You just take them for granted as the truth. If I told 1,000 women they looked just like they were supposed to, I doubt the majority would agree. 

So let’s talk about things we see in the media regarding race. A quick look online highlights results from many studies on the topic. For example:

• Advertisements for products that everyone uses (soap to soup) use white people way more often than black people.
• Black male actors in movies/TV are more likely to appear as “thugs,” “gangbangers,” and “gang members.”
• TV content is catered toward white audiences.
• Reality based police shows, like “Cops” are more likely to show black men as criminals, instead of, police officers.
• Historically, black men do not serve as gatekeepers in news media organizations, so coverage of black men is served through the lens of white gatekeepers.
• News stories of crimes committed by black men are more comprehensive and visually in-depth (mug shots, handcuffs, being escorted by police) than stories about crimes committed by white men.
• Black men are overwhelmingly prioritized in the coverage of crime reporting.
• News stories more often focus on white victimization in crime reports.
• In the news, black people are more often associated with social problems like urban decay, violent crime, and expensive social welfare.
• In news stories where a white police officer shoots a black man, the life of the white officer is highlighted. By contrast, the life of the black victim, is not. For example, the police officer will be associated with positive attributes outside of the shooting. The black victim does not receive positive attributions. For instance, missed child support payments of the white officer are less likely to be highlighted, whereas the missed child support payments of the black victim are more likely to be highlighted.
• Identifiers are used much more often to describe black men as opposed to white men. For example “A man robbed a bank” describes a crime committed by a white man, whereas “A black man robbed a bank” describes the crime committed by a black man.
• The media often describes black people as a group, rather than individuals. They are “black people” and the “black community.”
• White people often learn about black people from media images instead of personal relationships.

So, as I discussed earlier, just as your brain gets flooded with information that is sexist/body image related  – it gets flooded with information about race. Your brain is exposed to messages, and the messages have an effect.

And, even though you may have examples of how you were raised not to be racist, there are decades of messages your brain has absorbed that are racist. And again, we are not usually aware that our brains are being affected. We are like fish swimming in water – we don’t notice the water. The water we swim in is white supremacy. White supremacy doesn’t just mean putting on a KKK hood, using the N word, or joining a white supremacist group. White supremacy also means living in a society where people in one group matter more than another. I’m sure you can see where white lives have been valued over black lives for centuries.

In the beauty and body messages example, it’s easy to admit I have negative thoughts about my body. And now, as a coach, I realize those thoughts are optional. I can decide to work on thoughts like “My thighs are gross” and “I need to look like I’m 25, even though I’m post menopausal.”  I’m aware of those thoughts and I can learn to manage my mind around them. I don’t feel guilty about having the thoughts. 

But, when I first heard the idea that I have racist thoughts, I was horrified. In a split second, my brain threw out “Racism is bad. Racist thoughts are bad. If I’m racist it means I’m bad. 

And as you can imagine, those thoughts made me feel pretty bad. I felt shame and guilt. And lemme tell ya, those feelings don’t often lead to self-discovery and growth. Guilt and shame usually lead to denial and avoidance.

So, just like the sexist messages you’ve received about your body, your brain received racist messages too. But, acknowledging racist messages often freaks us out. But, freaking out doesn’t help you change. Change comes from doing the work of looking at what’s in your mind.

So, step one. Allow yourself to reflect for a while to become aware of thoughts you have that may be racist; thoughts you may be trying to suppress. As awful as this sounds, write them down. Look at them with curiosity and allow yourself to wonder, rather than judge yourself. That’s when you have the ability to change. You won’t have compassion for others until you have compassion for yourself first. And the best news?! Your mind can change. It’s ongoing work that’s always worth the effort.

I’m Dawn Ziegerer, I have a Master’s degree in Media Studies and I’m a certified life coach who works with women who think emotional baggage is screwing with their romantic relationship. You can check out my videos and blogs – and sign up for a free mini-coaching session, at TheRebuildingCoach.com.